Hi! Long time no see.
Have you ever struggled with motivation? Because I do, all the time. It is a pain in the butt. Especially when you’re bored and you wonder what you could do to not be bored, like me right now, or when you have an important exam coming up and you just can’t be arsed to do anything for it. This is the situation I am in right now.
I have been in the summer vacation for about a month and something now. At first, it was nice. I had some ideas about what I could do and the motivation to do them was there. Now, I just can’t seem to bring myself to do anything, not even things I typically enjoy. It’s honestly really weird. Like, for example, I wanted to get back into osu! again, like I usually try to do in the summer months, but man, I got nothing in me. I have nothing to show for it and it is pretty discouraging. Even the daily challenge thing they introduced very recently has started to become boring and annoying to do, mostly from the increase in difficulty of the maps.
Today, I planned to learn how to play music from a C++ source file. I wanted to learn how to do that, then learn how to put together a TUI, all for a TUI music player, but I got nowhere with that and I just gave up. I feel like everything is just so high level. Everything seems way too difficult for me and things just go way above my head. The difficulty of what I wanted to do was too high and my own mindset and willpower to push through is missing, no doubt because of the difficulty I perceive. I did manage to list the files of my home directory with a C++ program, though. That’s cool, I guess. Maybe I should keep that going with that.
I wish I could keep going with osu! too. I really want to get out of my rotten ways and finally reach 6K overall PP on my profile. I’ve been stuck at this level for a very long time and I really want to get out of it. I also wish I could post more here, talk more about stuff, but I’m a lazy man, I can’t lie. I feel like I really need to change my mindset, because soon, I will go to work and being lazy there isn’t usually good. It isn’t good to push yourself for nothing either, but, really, neither extreme is good.
I just decided to check how this material will look on the website. I don’t know when exactly I made this change, but I thought that it will be nice to show how long a post is by showing how long does it take to read through it, roughly. It is a feature of the theme I’m using for this website and it was just a simple line in the configuration file for the website, so I thought “why not?”. I felt like I’ve written quite a lot before seeing the reading time estimate. It is, as of writing this only 3 minutes. 3 minutes! That’s so little! Guess I thought wrong… It is pretty discouraging to see that I’ve written quite a bit already and it is still just… so little in the grand scheme of things. Although, maybe 4 paragraphs and a 2 sentence introduction isn’t exactly all that much writing, is it?
I really do believe my mindset is pretty messed up. I don’t know if it is social media or some attention deficit problem or something, but I have a hard time focusing on things, in general. I need breaks, regularly, or else I grow to hate the thing I’m doing. I don’t know if I’m gaslighting myself into believing that what I do is interesting when in reality it isn’t or what, but I am really scared of this and it is frustrating to see how my motivation goes down as soon as any challenge comes up. I wonder if this isn’t related to my own self-esteem issues. Likely, it is related, to some degree. I don’t know for sure, though.
Either way, I hope y’all are having a better summer than me at the moment. I hope this is just a temporary slump I’m going through, though. I’m sure I will find something to do at the very least, although I do hope that I also find my motivation. If someone sees it, please tell me where this motivation is. :D